So me and Joey G, two guys from Brooklyn now climbing telephone Poles for Bell South. (They only put us together because of our tick axents wit only each utter could understan, Understan, Yo fugheddaboudit). Anyways we were checkin out this big yard with a suitably bigass Rotweiller sittin on his ass and licking his balls. Joey says to me Geez I wish I could do that, I said Shit Joey, I dont know, hes awful big and might not like that. Trading barbs was what life was about. We get up to the Pole, now theres lots of different sizes of poles, as well you women may attest, anyway this was one of your big wide and high guys. Oh a tip for you new pole climbers, if you hear birds singing dont look up. So as Joey, badass a MF as Ive ever met doesnt like climbing poles so Im elected. Now another tip for new or wanna be linemen. IF YOU HAVE SMALL ASSES DONT GET INTO THIS BUSINESS! So with my hooks (Metal spurs on my ankles) locked into place, my tool belt on with safety strap, 40 pounds just for these two, add a Line Hammer, wrench, hand tools, hardware etc. youve now strapped 80 pounds around your waist. Cinch that bitch up Tight!! Now youve got your electric tester heavy gloves, wide brimmed hard hat with sun visor, safety glasses electric meter strapped around your neck your ready for lift off. (I usually said a Zen thing trying to become one with the Pole before climbing) you know like thank you pole for being here and honoring me by allowing to spike the shit out of your barky ass with splintering your tar soaked, water proofed, aresenic impregnated bug killer chemicals in that you allow the 1/4 inch of each of my spikes to firmly imbed in you and hold my 300 some odd pounds of flesh, sweat tools and butt crack to ascend to you highest plane. (Fuck youd think I was talking about its Shakras) By the way eating a pole (falling down while holding around it is not reccomended. You get these big ass motherfucker splinters or arrow shafts imbewed, and remove any skin along with the stinging feeling of raw flesh. (Especially painful when your partner pours alchohol all over your body) So Yeah like telling Joey Gee (an ex mafiosa-for real) that he shouldnt lick the big doggies balls wasnt a good idea as he was designated alchol poorer. (And cigarette lighers were always in his pocket). Here I am in an easement (that strip of land between fences in a neighborhood0 Hooking a pole step by step, (fugheddabout steposize). Finaly at 14 to 18 feet you safety off. (unsnap one end of your safety belt from one eye ring wrap it around the pole and snap off to the other side. So theoretically (didnt think there was much theory to Pole climbing did you. Anyway you are now secured at three points, two hooked in ankles and waist sos as your hands and arms can proceed to bang, cut, fondle, screw in lug nuts, hang slack spans from hooks etal( gives me a woody just being to talk Belleese once again. So heres the funny bit, with only one leg, my left one hooked in I reached around to unsnap by safety belt when my 80 pound belt starts sliding down my butt, now 1/4 of my ass crack is exposed, I told you not good to have a small butt when you climb poles. Dilema of Dilemas, if I didnt have a dick the belt would have been over my ankles. So do I try to hook in my right ankle AND LOOSE MY PANTS IRRETRIEVABLY OVER MY BOOTS MAKING ME A BUTTUGLY STATUE WITH OUT ANY MOBILITY. DO I TRY TO WORK WITH ONLY MY LEFT ANKLE HOOKED IN THE POLE AND GENNNTLY TRY TO SAFETY BELT OFF. (REMEMBER IF I FUCK UP HERE I EITHER EAT THE POLE OR DO A TOTAL (AS TRAINED) LET GO AND HOPE FOR THE SOFTEST BUSH FOR MY TUSH. OR MAYBE MY GOOD OLE FRIEND JOEY G COULD GRAB A LADDER AND HOPEFULLY BY THE TIME HE GETS BACK ONLY 3/4 OF MY ASS CRACK WILL BE SHOWING. BY THE WAY TWO GRINGOS YELLING IN BROOKLYNESE IN A HIALEAH (MIAMIS SPANISH ONLY PART OF TOWN) TENDS TO DRAW ATTENTION. SO ALL THE WOMEN FOLK ARE OUT IN THE YARDS CHECKING OLE STEVOS BUTT WAVING NAKED ABOVE THE ORANGE AND BANNANA TREES. RIGHT NEVER SHOULD HAVE PISSED JOEY ABOUT LICKING THE BIG DOGS BALLS. YOU GOT IT, LOST MY PANTS ROLLED INSIDE OUT OVER MY ANKLES, HAMMERS EXPOSED AND UNABLE TO DO MUCH MORE THAN GET A SUN TAN ON MY WHITER PARTS OF SKIN CAUSE THERE AINT NO WAY OF RETREIEVING MY SAFETY BELT AND JOEYS GRAND PLAN WAS TO ASK OUR LINEFOREMAN TO BRING OUT A POLAROID TO THE SITE. NOW IF I JUMP THERES A GOOD CHANCE I LAND UP WITH A BANNANA UP MY ASS, NOW OKAY IM DOWN WITH EXPERIMENTATION BUT NOT WITH AN AUDIENCE, (GLAD THEY WERENT FRIGGIN PINEAPPLES) JUMP OR TRY TO ESPLAIN IN ESPANGLISH NO SENORA NO SOY UN PERVERTO CON UN GRANDE AMOR CON ESTE POLE DE TELEFONO. LESSONS LEARNED, IF YOU GOT A SMALL BUTT AND WORK IN CONSTRUCTION BY YOURSELF SOME $3.95 FRIGGIN SUSPENDERS. OH MY APOLOGIES FOR THOSE GOOD FOLKS ON EAST 6 AVE IN HIALEAH WHO BACK IN 1996 HEARD ALOT OF ENGLISH TALK OVER THEIR TELEFONO LINES TRYING TO ESPLAIN I AM NEKKED AND NEED A LADDER.
omigod, i'm holding my sides, i'm crying i'm laughing so hard.... and now I'm supposed to go to sleep??? too cruel you are to ask me to read this at 12 midnight..
Posted by: caroline | December 22, 2004 at 12:33 AM