Are you happy, what is happiness to you? I remember times past when I experienced happy moments. Buying a toy as a kid, returning home from camp. Being validated by the attention of a woman I thought was all that. Lately happy is more a state of lack of sadness. Although if I work on it with the tools I have I can achieve lack of sadness by thinking of all that I have compared, relatively to others who dont have as much. There is happy that it isnt me walking around campus with an IV bottle of chemo plugged into my arm. There is happy in listing my "gratitude list".
Things mostly made me happy, validation of a lovely woman made me happy. Shit, figuring out where I might be sleeping that evening or if I would have something to eat made me Really Happy.
Seems the more I have the more I want, and I live a modest life style. But Happy? If I had a Velcro relationship going on with God as God People Do I would be Happy. I think? Special songs make me happy, some drugs make me happy, (only the legal ones now though) But aspirations achieved? Maybe thats it? Stevie Boy make yourself a wish list of Happy Shit. Thats what Ill do this evening as I drift off to sleep. That plus knowing I will have a roof over my head, at least for this night. Remembering when I wasnt sure if I might live through the next day then realizing I would made me happy.
Maybe thats why I collect Disney Pencils with figures of Happy Happy cartoon thingies. It triggers the happy moments. Some of the things I used to do to make me happy were illegal and I no longer want those extensions.
Somewher down the road I have become a sad man who has happy moments and laughs at funny shit. A Kid I might have passed my genes to, I dont have that. Maybe Ill put a puppy on my list .
A really wonderful thing has recently happened that has made me happy. having a name to put down to call in case of emergency is now available to me. Its hard to let the sunshine in when youve lived in a cave for a long time. Happy, is that my choice, why not?
No DSL again last night, baby. But here I am this morning. It still gets better, Stevie. Soon comes generalized steady-state contentment with spikes of pure joy...Like you said, it takes a while to let it all in... I am loving your writing, how you express yourself. Love that there are sides to you yet to discover. am shining on you, love.
Posted by: caroline | December 10, 2004 at 10:04 AM
Bravo on letting your insides out. I majored in English/Journalism in college. I was published in an anthology once called 'Just Open a Vein.' That's what writing is...opening a vein and letting it all come out.
I'm really impressed you're letting it all go.
Posted by: Lynette | December 10, 2004 at 11:28 AM